


Once Upon a December

by KonKon38



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Poetry, Songfic, happy end, the whole thing isnt a poem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-07
Updated: 2014-12-07
Packaged: 2018-02-28 13:34:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2734502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KonKon38/pseuds/KonKon38
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Far away, long ago<br/>Glowing dim as an ember<br/>Things my heart used to know<br/>Things it yearns to remember”<br/>- Once Upon a December, Anastasia</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once Upon a December

**Author's Note:**

> Once Upon a December is a song from the movie Anatasia. If you haven't listened to it you should, its a beautiful song.  
> Anyway I was listening to it and it made me think of Bucky.  
> Also the poem in the beginning written by me.

"Dancing bears, painted wings  
Things I almost remember  
And a song someone sings  
Once upon a December"

* * *

 

My soul left my body once

Like turning on the cold water after a warm shower

It quietly slipped away...

Away it flew leaving behind my shell

I can still feel the ache 

Suffocating was easier than this

With everything gone

_I_

_ w a s_

_F R E E_

I was full and devoid all at once

I was the papers that were left behind

The love that was lost

Waves hitting the sand

and the stars in the night sky

It was like a knife

Cut me open

Put me back together wrong 

I'm not sure if it ever came back

I was merely a cage

Now I'm empty 

Nothing

These words are taking up space that doesn't exist

A pebble hitting the water

Warm blood and snow

Everyone asks why?

How would the world be if we asked why not?

Temporary

A shiver down your spine

Slipping away

I turn myself to stone

Etching on faces

Less is more

and

_I_

_ a m_

_a_

_G H O S T_

* * *

 Who am I? Sargent, James Buchanan Barnes 107th infantry. No. I am the asset; the winter soldier. I am a ghost. I am lost. I am confused. I am scared. I haven't been allowed to feel anything but cold anger in a very long time. How long? 75 years? I am the greatest assassin of the decade. Who am I?

I don't know.

But that man, the man on the bridge, I know him. I can almost remember him, he was small; Now he is big. What happened? I can't remember. I grasp after my memories, but they escape before I can make sense of them. That man, his name is Steve I think, He knew who I was... I think. At least he says he does. When he looked at me he looked so... Sad? It awoke something in my chest I can't quite remember the word for. I went to a museum, there were pictures a man who looked like me. Was  it me? Maybe. He had shorter hair, he had a real left arm. There were videos of him and Steve, and pictures too. They looked happy. The text posted around the exhibit said He was James "Bucky" Barnes, he was Steve Rogers best friend. Steve used to be weak and little, but then he became Captain America. The exhibit says James Buchanan Barnes was the only Howling Commando to give his life for the cause. They thought Steve was dead too, but he was just frozen. Was I frozen too? I remember the darkness and  shivering. Slowly waking up as people gave me orders. Do I even want to remember who I am?

Steve is looking for me, sometimes I let him see me for a split second. He deserves that at least, to know I'm not dead. I'm afraid I will hurt him, he was my mission. I saved him, though, because I knew him.  I hadn't known anyone in a long time. How long? I can't remember. Sometimes I almost convince myself to go to him, but I know I can't. I do not want to hurt him. Is it because I care about him? I know I did once. I know I used to take care of him when he was weak. I remember him more than I remember myself. 

I decide to go out in the open. I was sitting on a bench in some park. A long sleeve shirt to cover my arm and my hair was pulled back. Steve would be here soon and then I can leave again. Sometimes  I almost remember... a song, I think I sang it to Steve when he was sick. We were at war and for the first time he held me in his arms and sang it to me. I think that happened, I don't know. I want to know, I want to know so bad. I need to know. I need to know. I need-- NO! I took a deep breathe, my head hurts. It always hurts, but it's worse when I try to remember too much.

I was getting restless, Steve should've been here by now. Had he given up? I don't think he would, he's been determined to track me down. He wouldn't stop, not unless something was wrong. So why wasn't he here?Maybe he gave up, maybe it is for the best. I'll only hurt him; I know it hurts him every time I disappear, but I want to give him hope. Maybe one day I'll remember, and I'll let him find me. Or maybe not. I don't know. I was getting anxious because Steve should be here. I was getting dizzy as memories came to me in a haze. I remember... I remember... I remember--

A mother walks by with her child in a stroller. She sings a song:

_"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_   
_You make me happy when skies are grey_   
_You never know, dear, how much I love you_   
_Please don't take my sunshine away"_

A stabbing pain surges through my head. That was the song. I remember. I remember. Who am I? I know... A wave of nausea hit me. I staggered from the bench. My head was in a rush and I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. 

Static filled my vision and I collapsed to the ground.

As I fell I cried out "Steve!" or at least I think I did. 

 

* * *

I was  in my apartment. No, our apartment. It was our apartment. Steve is skinny and bundled in a bunch of blankets. He coughs violently and I kneel by his side. 

"B-Bucky I'll be fine. Take some of the blankets back. There'll be none left for you." Steve was shivering and not doing a very good job of convincing me he was okay. 

"Nonsense, Steve! We'll share it'll be alright. You need the extra body heat." I smiled fondly at him as he glared at me from his bundle of blankets. 

"I'm gonna make you some soup and when you're done, you will swallow that cough syrup, Steve Roger! I'll make sure of it. I can't have you dyin' on me, who is gonna put up with me?" I laughed softly though I meant it. Whenever Steve got sick, it was always so bad, sometimes I was certain he'd be dead by the time I woke up in the morning. His features soften as he sticks his tongue out at me. 

"You may be tiny, Stevie but you're one hell of a little bastard." I said as I entered the kitchen to warm Steve's soup. It was the best soup they could afford, which wasn't much, but it was better than nothing. Soggy noodles floated in a salty yellow broth. Once it was warm I set it aside to cool. I got him a cup of water and a spoon. I grabbed the soup and walked back to Steve. He didn't move and I stared at him expectantly.

"Sit up!" I demanded.

"You ain't gonna feed me!" Steve protested.

"Yes I am! Your arms'll fall off, you may have one hell of a personality, but your body can't keep up. Now let me coddle you!" He sighed and sat up begrudgingly. He clung to his blankets and wrapped them around his body. He glared  at me from his bundle and I smiled. He filled me with warmth, I loved him so much, but I guess I looked to long 'cause next thing he says is;

"What? Why're you staring at me?" 

"Nothin', Stevie. I was just thinking." I looked away.

"About?"

"You." The implication behind the word weighed heavily in the air around them. I didn't care it was wrong, I knew I was in love with Steve. 

"Go on, Feed me! I'm hungry!" Steve crossed his arms and pouted.

"You're adorable when your bossy." I smiled and spooned out some soup to give him. The whole time I could feel his distaste, but I also knew he liked it. Maybe just a little, but he was a stubborn little thing,if didn't want me to take care of him he'd make it so. We finished sometime later and I was trying to get the medicine down him.

"Open your damn mouth Steve! Stop acting like a child!" He ignored me and dodged the spoon I was trying to force down his throat.

"I don't need it! I'll be fine!" He crossed his arms.

"As if! You'll be fine if you take the cough syrup!" I tried to give it to him again but he rejected all my attempts.

"I swear to god, Steve. You are so stubborn sometimes. I can't believe I fell in love with such a brat." As soon as I realized what I said my eyes widened. Steve's jaw dropped and i took the opportunity to get the cough syrup in him. He coughed and narrowed his eyes at me.

"That's cheating!" He exclaimed.

"This ain't a game, Steve." He didn't say anything about what I had said and for that I was thankful.

"I'm tired, lets go to sleep." I nodded and slipped under the blankets with him. He curled into my chest and I put my arms around him. It was just to stay warm, I told myself.

"Bucky?"

"Yeah?"

"Sing to me." I grinned and began to sing " You are my Sunshine." I felt his breathing even out. 

"... You'll never know, Dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." Right before he fell asleep he whispered:

"Did you mean what you said earlier?" He asked. I kissed his forehead.

"Yeah, Stevie, I did."

* * *

"Steve you have got to stop doing this." I carried him into our apartment.

"Put me down! I'm fine. I had him on the ropes." Steve insisted.

"Uh huh,yeah. That's why you've got a black eye and a bloody nose. Not to mention all the bruises." I sat him down on our couch and told him to stay put. I got a baggy of ice from the kitchen and put it on his eye.

"Thats cold!"

"I know, you'll be fine." I sighed. He could take being beaten up, but god forbid cold ice. 

"I don't need you taking care of me all the time." He mumbled.

"If you didn't have me, you'd be a pile of broken bones!" I bit back.

"I'm strong!" He snapped.

"Not physically!" I snapped back. He frowned at me and went to get up, discarding the ice.

"Hey, Steve no! You need to lay down!" I grabbed his wrist.

"Careful! You might break me!' He was mad.

"That's not what I meant!" I protested.

"Then what did you mean?!" He demanded.

"I meant I worry about you, Steve. You go out and get yourself beat up. I don't like seein' you hurt." I interlocked my hand with his and I placed a gentle kiss on the back of his hand. He blushed and I smiled lightly.

"I love you..." I breathed quietly.

"I know." He replied. 

"Now come on you need to rest." We sat on the couch and he rested his head in my lap.I grabbed him a blanket and told him to sleep.

"I know you're tired." I said firmly.

"Yeah, whatever." He responded and adjusted himself to a more comfortable position. He lay still for a few seconds, but I could tell something was on his mind.

"What is it, Stevie?" He seemed to consider something for a moment and then he leaned up. I gazed at him curiously. Before I realized what was happening, he kissed me. He didn't hold back and it was fast. It was beautiful and passionate. It was over before I knew it.

"I love you too." With  that he laid back down and went to sleep. Leaving me with a heart beating fast and a mind racing. He opened his eyes.

"You're thinkin' too much, Buck. Now sing, please?" I sighed and began the song, running my hand through his hair.

" _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..._ "

 

* * *

We were in a tent, breathing heavy. Steve had just rescued me. He was big, so big. Much bigger than I remembered.For the first time he could hold me in his arms. I clung to him and buried my face in his neck. His arms tightened around me. 

"I thought I lost you, Buck." He whispered.

"You had to save me this time. It's a bit ironic." I replied.

"Yeah, it is." I smiled and looked up at him.

"Wait till those bullies back home see you. They'll never throw a punch again."

"If I punch 'em, I might break their rib cages. I'm still not sure just how strong I am." 

"They deserve it." I stated.

"Whatever you say, Buck." He ran his hand down my back.

"Kiss me." I whispered.

"As you wish." He grinned slightly and pressed his lips against mine. Soon it became frantic fueled by fear and passion.

"I love you so much." He managed to say in between kisses.

"I love you too, Now take your damn uniform off! What even is this thing?" I complained.

"There's a zipper in the back, Bucky. No need to be so vulgar." He pretended to be scandalized. I just scoffed and went back to kissing him.

"Let's fondue." I grinned wickedly. His face blushed red.

"Who told you that?!" We both laughed.

That night after we wore ourselves out, Steve held me in his arms. For the first time, he sang me to sleep.

" _The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping_  
 _I dreamt I held you in my arms_  
 _When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken_  
 _So I hung my head, and I cried"_  

My heart tightened. 

" _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine_  
 _You make me happy when skies are grey..._"

He was crying now and so was I. This war we were fighting... We didn't know then, we knew it was possible, but we didn't know how bad it would tear us apart.

 

* * *

" _Someone holds me safe and warm_  
 _Horses prance through a silver storm_  
 _Figures dancing gracefully_  
 _Across my memory_

_Far away, long ago_   
_Glowing dim as an ember_   
_Things my heart used to know_   
_Things it yearns to remember_

_And a song someone sings_  
 _Once upon a December_ "

* * *

When I woke from my dreams, No. They were memories, so many memories, I didn't know where I was. I remember now. It's hazy, but I remember Bucky. I'm Bucky. I remember Steve and how much I loved him. I need to find Steve.

"...Steve. I remember..." I rasped as I tried to get up. I was in an apartment from what I could tell, in someone's bed. 

"Hey, calm down. It's okay. You can't get up yet though." A kind looking man, a doctor I suppose, Hovered over me and checked my vitals. He had curly hair and glasses. 

"Are you... Are you Dr.Banner?" I remember he is one of Steve's team mates. 

"Yes, but please call me Bruce." I nodded and I wanted to go find Steve but Bruce stopped me.

"Not yet, I need to assess you." I frowned.

"Who thought it was a good idea to let the Hulk in the same room as the Winter Soldier?" 

"I honestly don't know. It's probably because I'm the only doctor Steve trusts." Bruce shrugged.

"When can I see Steve?" I pressed.

"I have a few questions to ask you."

"Okay." I nodded.

"Do you know how long you were out?"

"A day?" I guessed.

"No, it was 8 days." I was slightly shocked.

"Do you know who you are?" Bruce moved on to the next question.

"I'm Bucky Barnes." Bruce nodded.

"Do you know Steve Rogers?"

"Yes." Bruce sighed and went through a whole list of questions "Who are you" "Are you a threat" yada yada yada. I answered them all with slight confidence. I had most of my memory of the war back, I hope they won't slip away. I can't really remember being the asset, I honestly don't want to know. 

"So you remember your life before and during the war?" I nodded.

"Okay, Do you know what year it is?" I frowned, I was unsure. Two thousand something?

"It's 2014, a lot of things have changed." 

"Yeah, I gathered that. I'm not as useless as Steve, I understand most modern technology. I have a bionic arm for god's sake!" Bruce laughed.

"Steve caught on pretty fast actually." 

"He's always been smart as a whip." Bruce studied me for a moment.

"You aren't any more of a threat than I am, so you can see Steve now. He's just in the other room. Go out when you're ready. I won't tell him you're up." with that, the kind doctor left. 

I took a deep breath, was I ready? There was a window I could just leave. I'm not the same anymore, Steve might not love me... I'm a murderer. A monster. But my heart urged me so, to go to Steve.Things will be fine, they were always fine. I could do it, Couldn't I? We've been apart for so long... I decided I'm the worlds greatest fucking assassin in the world, I am not afraid of my best friend.

I quietly opened the door and my heart stopped. It had been almost a year since I had seen him up close. He was breathtaking and I didn't know what to say. I felt so many things at once I just wanted to hold him. I wanted to relearn his body all over again. I longed for him. It took me by surprise, but I guess being apart for 75 years does that. It almost felt like I was having an out of body experience, like this might not be real. It might not be real. Oh god... It might not be real. I can't--

"Bucky?" Steve gasped hen he turned around and noticed me. Hearing him say my name so painfully nearly broke my heart. 

"Steve!" I ran into his arms. He was already crying and so was I. We stayed like that for a while, sobbing in each others arms. We needed it.

"You remember?" He asked, his voice small, just like he used to be.

"I remember you. I remember us, I remember before and during the war for the most part... After that it's hazy. I hope it stays that way I don't want to know what I did..." I  trembled slightly in his arms.

"Oh Bucky, It wasn't you." I didn't reply. Instead, I kissed him. Suddenly it felt like all the planets aligned and my world clicked into place. This is what I wanted. This is what I needed.  We breathed each other in. It was hurried and rushed and it was perfect. I felt alive again, like I had a purpose.

"I love you so much." I gasped

"I love you too." Steve said as he kissed my neck. I melted into his touch. Everything felt right.

* * *

 

That night we sang together.

_"You never know, Dear, How much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away.."_

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I dont own "You are my sunshine" or "once upon a december"  
> I do however have a passion for songfics. I wasnt planning on including you are my sunshine but it just happened. I guess this is a double songfic. Honestly, writing this was a wild ride. I hope you like it. (yeah something went wrong so I had to repost this incase anyone saw it earlier)


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